i got a tattoo, did i tell you? well i like it. it says paideia. and it's on my foot. i took some new pictures of myself but i need to develop them still. i continue to write poetry quite often, though i feel a dry spell a-coming. sometimes, i want a place where i can recreate myself whenever i feel like it. other times, i want to face the facts of my life and get over it. i feel like a failure. i know i'm not great at photography. i know i'm not great at anything. i'm mediocre. i've decided that my new year's resolution will be to face myself. i need to acknowledge my own shortcomings and move on with my life. currently, i'm spinning in the middle of my merry go round because i'm too scared to get near the edge and jump off. i need to get off of it. i need to. i'm going to drown myself with all this melancholy. every once in a while, i check up on people who fascinate me. they're my friends on facebook and myspace and such, but they don't know my curiousity about them. and i don't fully understand what it is about these particular people that interest me. one such person is a guy that i was in love with (on and off) for five years. and even though i believe that i am "over" him, i can't possibly forget him. he never loved me back. he was my friend. i think maybe i'm so interested in these people is because our lives are so intertwined, yet never very close. i might see that person every day and have many things in common, even things that are unusually in common. but emotionally, i stay back. and they never let me near anyhow. i don't stalk them. i just see how they've been doing. i see how they've changed since i last actually talked to them. even though i know they never felt the same for me, a tiny little fraction of my heart will always pull towards them. i don't regret my feelings. i do wish that i could find someone new, though. well, i'll make an effort to at least go on my first date. i haven't ever been on one. it's strange, i know. especially since i've been with two guys and kissed three. but just another new thing for me to tackle. a date.

katja